Thursday, 11 April 2013

Before Sunrise

The shadow was sick of sitting down and being bored so he got up and crept through the village looking for a place where he would belong.
He saw the clock face in the centre of the village.  It was shining at five O'clock at night.  The old cottages are like two story gingerbread houses and the moon glowed like a giant torch.

The shadow saw something glowing like the sun out of a little house. It was as bright as gold, so he started to investigate.  He crept over to the cabin and sneaked through the door. He got a surprise.  All around him were mountains of books in really big piles.  

Then a big light caught his eye.  It was a candle! The candle glowed liked the sun and was like gold.  The shadow was shy because the candle started fluttering at him, but the candle was shy too. 

Suddenly a man blew out the candle and the shadow was extremely horrified.  

The candle smoke started dancing like a black ribbon.  It gently fell and turned into a shadow like him.

By Zac 8 years old

1 comment:

  1. Zac, your writing has lots of the success criteria we were looking for like different sentence starts, paragraphs and using similes to describe.

    I love the way your story flows and uses words to push it along - then, suddenly, so, where.

    Something you could work on is keeping to the same tense - like it happened in the past: was, saw, crept, cried
    You have this sorted for most of the story but slipped up in the first paragraph:
    The old cottages are like two story gingerbread houses...


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